Ask for More: 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything
Alexandra Carter
Simon & Schuster (May 2020)

“Win-Win” means that an agreenent is mutuallky-benificial. Here’s how.

Years ago, during a reception for the new British ambassador to the U.S., I  had a conversation with one of his aides and at one point asked him to define a successful negotiation. “Letting the other chap have it your way.” I was again reminded of that comment as I began to work my way through Alexandra Carter’s book. Here’s her definition: “Any conversation in which you are steering a relationship.”

Stated another way, then: “Letting the other person steer the conversation where you want it to go.”

She suggests asking/answering five questions that serve as a “mirror”: They reveal the problem to be solved, what is needed to solve it, how you feel about doing so, how you solved a comparable problem in the past, and how best to proceed. This approach helps to clarify your intentions, aspirations, and objectives. If done well, It can also to see key issues more objectively.

Carter then suggests asking/answering five other questions that serve as a “window.”  These are open-ended questions that help those who pose them to establish a frame within the respondent feels more secure or at least more comfortable. The tone is set wsitgh “Please tell me about [fill in the blank]” and then, if appropriate “Please  tell me more about [fill in the blank].” In essence, this process is — and must be and perceived to be — [begin italics] driven by sincere curiosity [end italics]. The objective is increase understanding, thereby earning trust and respect.

Digression: If you are unable to ask/answer the first set of questions and/or ask the second set with both rigor and humility, Carter is not your best source for counsel. Steering a conversation will never control it. Frequent adjustments while retaining balance are essential. In this context, check out Carter’s kayak metaphor (pages 4-5).

Those who are most persuasive have mastered Aristotle’s four levels of discourse: They explain with accurate and sufficient information (Exposition) they make vivid with compelling details (Description); they tell a story or explain a sequence (Narration); and finally, they convince with logic and/or evidence (Argumentation).

First, complete the first set of Q&As. You may find Toyota’s “Five WHYs” approach helpful.  For example, when answering the first question (“What’s the problem I want to solve?”), ask a series of five “Whys.” Write down your responses. Read them aloud. Repeat until you are confident Q1 and move on to Q2: “What do I need?” and repeat series of five “Whys.” You get the idea.

Although this book can be invaluable to formal and informal negotiations within the business world, its material can also be of substantial value in almost any other situation that involves solving especially serious problems or answering especially difficult questions. I commend Alexandra Carter on the scope and depth of coverage  of strategies, tactics, and key issues as well as her eminently practical counsel.

Ultimately, obviously, the value of this book will be determined almost entirely how thoughtfully each reader absorbs and digests the material, then by how effectively they apply what is most relevant to their own needs, interests, and (yes) limitations.