I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Seventy percent of success is showing up.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
* * *