Steven Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctive lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
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What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to select your nursing home.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’
I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it. I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with only five.
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said “No, I made a few mistakes”
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing “Happy Birthday.”