George Carlin (1937-2008)  was an American comedian, actor, author, and social critic. Regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comedians of all time, he was dubbed “the dean of counterculture comedians.”

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o Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

o Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

o Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

o There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

o Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

o Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

o Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

o Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

o A conservative is a radical with a wife and two children.

o Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

o The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

o May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

o I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

o By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

o People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

o I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

o Always do whatever’s next.

o Electricity is really just organized lightning.

o Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

o If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

o There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

o If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

o One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

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To learn more about George Carlin’s life and work, please click here.

Here is a direct link to videos of Carlin.