The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

Think off-center.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.