The Power of Closure: Why We Want It, How to Get It, nd When to Walk Away
Gary McClain
TarcherPerigee/An Imprint of Penguin Random House (July 2024)
How to seek closure while treating both yourself and others with kindness and respect
As I began to read this book, I was again reminded of Don Schlitz’s lyrics for The Gambler, a song made popular by Kenny Rogers:
“You’ve got to know when to hold ’emKnow when to fold ’emKnow when to walk awayAnd know when to runYou never count your moneyWhen you’re sittin’ at the tableThere’ll be time enough for countin’When the dealin’s done.”
According to Gary McClain, “It is only human to want closxure. Seeking closure can lead to resolution and growth, or it can lead to frustration and more pain. But even the pain of not finding closure can lead to personal growth in the end. Seeking closure has been a painful but also rewarding process in my own life and in the lives of my clients. For you too? I invite you to join me on the closure journey.”
McClain makes brilliant use of several reader-friendly devices, notably a series of “Exercises” (Pages 36, 37, 56, 60, 91, 120, 145, 155-156, 161-162, 181-182, and 191). Also, “Self-Assessments” (50, 63-65, 73, 77, 84, 104, 171-174, and 202-203), and a “Closing Thoughts” section in Chapters 2-13 and the “Conclusion.”
These are among the passages of greatest interest and value to me, also listed to suggest the nature and scope of McClain’s coverage:
o Toward a Definition of Closure and Closing Thought: A Definition of Closure (Pages 7-8 and 23-4)
o Closure Is Not Revenge (15-23)
o Childhood Trauma and Closure (32-36)
o Anger as a Covering Emotion (42-44)
o Weighing the Risks (48-50)
o Don’t I Matter? (58-60)
o Using Closure as a Weapon (65-66)
o It’s Hard to Say “I’m Sorry” (70-71)
o The Power Dynamic (78-79)
o Forgiveness After Death (81-84)
o Stuck in a Love-Hate Relationship (89-91)
o Stuck in a Love-Hate Job (92-95)
o A Few Words of Concern (102-103)
o The Importance of Intention (110-112)
o Clarifying Your Communication (114-117)
o Guidelines for Clarifying Your Intentions (118-120)
o Having the Conversation (128-135)
o Putting It in Writing (140-141)
o How Are You Feeling? (148-151)
o The Power of Rational Mind (154-155)
o Valuing Your Own Emotional Wellness (168-173)
o Other Reasons to Stop Seeking Closure (177-179)
o Acceptance Is Power (187-189)
o Acceptance Is Rational (189-190)
o My Story: Dad, Mom, and Me (211-217)
I offer these comments by Gary McClain to provide closure to my brief commentary: “The bottom line is this: Wanting closure is an innate human desire. There are healthy and not-so-healthy ways to seek it, and there are healthy and not-so-healthy ways to walk away from it. The kinds of struggles that lead to a desire for closure don’t always bring out the best behavior in us, but just because you’re angry doesn’t mean that someone else needs to suffer, and conversely, being a good person doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be harmed by someone else’s behavior. When you seek closure, do it with intensity and compassion. When closure is impossible, walk away and embrace acceptance instead. What matters most in your quest for closure is that you treat both yourself and others with kindness and respect. Love yourself. Protect your heart.”
* * *
Here are two suggestions while you are reading The Power of Closure: First, highlight key passages Also, perhaps in a lined notebook kept near-at- hand, record your comments, questions, action steps (preferably with deadlines), page references, and lessons you have learned as well as your responses to the aforementioned “Closing Thoughts,” Exercises, and “Self-Assessments.”
These two simple tactics — highlighting and documenting — will facilitate, indeed expedite frequent reviews of key material later.