The Pause Principle: How to Keep Your Cool in Tough Situations
Cynthia Kane
Wiley (January 2025)

How to maintain calm, clarity, and compassion toward others in moments of severe stress

One of two recent research studies indicates that 50% 0f managers consider difficult conversations the biggest challenge they face each day. The other indicates that 67% of managers feel uncomfortable with face-to-face communication with employees. Presumably many (if not most or even all) of them have asked this question: “How to maintain calm, clarity, and compassion toward others in moments of severe stress?”

How would you answer that question? What would you advise?

In the Introduction to The Pause Principle, Cynthia Kane observes, “To keep our cool in high-pressure moments, we need to put our attention not on the words we use or how we listen but on that split second between the other person’s words and our reaction — the space in between. How can we expand the space in between, lengthen the time between the stimulus and the response so we can choose calm, clarity, and compassion toward others in moments we may want to go for the jugular, over-explain, or run for the hills?”

Think in terms of using a silent pause to serve as a decompression chamber.

“In Part I I’m going to cover what most people I work with want to know when they first come to this practice [i.e. learning how to use a strategic pause] when tyhje4y first come to this practice e. I’ll explain more about what’s happening right now within tough conversations that make it impossible to pause. Then I’ll share what’s needed to be able to take that moment within stressful conversations and introduce the pause principle, which is SOFTEN. You’ll then get  an overview of the pause practices, and then each chapter in Part II is dedicated to an individual practice.”

Re  SOFTEN:

S – sensation
O – own your discomfort
F – focus on the present
T – take a breath
E – eyes toward another
N – need to say

Kane thoroughly explains each in a separate chapter (3-8): WHAT it involves, WHY it can be so beneficial, and HOW to benefit fromm it.

Those in greatest need of mastering the Pause Principle are probably those most often involved in “tough situations.”

Here’s some excellent advice from Dale Carnegie to keep in mind: “When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”

If you are a supervisor and find yourself engaged in unpleasant conversations or asked to resolve unpleasant situations, I highly recommend Cynthia Kane’s book. She offers a wealth of valuable information, insights, and counsel. She even offers a basic “30-Day Pause Calendar” plan to consider. You may prefer to select a combination of practices and timetable that are more appropriate. Whatever. Most of what you need is in The Pause Principle.