Here are several of Steven Wright’s best observations.

I offer them with the hope they guide and inform efforts to keep your New Year’s resolutions.

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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

It’s great to be a hermit. No peer pressure.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.