These were sent to me without proper attribution. You may be amused by a least a few

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George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

“I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is  marked ‘NO REFILLS.'”

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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”

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Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.  This is so true.  I love to hear them say “You don’t look that old.”

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.  (Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place !!)

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Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why I look this way.
I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.

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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

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Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence.

I’m looking for my wife, too… I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her…what does she look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’

To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — I’d rather look for yours.”

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“Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!”

Now, if you feel this doesn’t apply to you . . .stick around awhile . . . it will!

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As Indicated, I do not know the source of these. If you do, please let me know so that I can add proper attribution.