These comments are authentic, obtained from several sources, provided by children after having attended a vacation Bible class.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinness’s, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.

2. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

3. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel-like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

4. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

5. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

6. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

7. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”

8. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.

9. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

10. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

11. Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

12. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

13. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

14. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

15. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

16. One particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

17. A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

18. A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

19. Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

20. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

21. A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

22. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbors wife.”

23. 3-year-old Reese: “Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”

24. I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us from E-mail.”

25. One especially serious four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

26. A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

27. A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

28. A 6-year old told his parents, “In Sunday School today we sang a song about Gladly the cross-eyed Bear.”

29. An obviously upset 9-year old told her minister, “I keep forgetting whether I’m a debtor or a trespasser.”

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Now here is one of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts” from Saturday Night Live:

Child: Why is it raining, Daddy?

Father: Because God is crying.

Child: Why is God crying?

Father: Probably because of something you did.