Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself from Conflict at Work, at Home, and in Life
Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler
HarperBusiness/An imprint of HarperCollins (February 2020)

“We have met the enemy and he is us.”  Pogo the Possum

Walt Kelly’s possum suggests that most human limits are self-imposed. Presumably Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler agrees, and would add that most of the conflicts that people have “at work, at home, and in life” can be avoided or resolved. In fact, when faced with a conflict, people tend to respond the same way they have before. How so?

“There are four common conflict habits that get us into trouble, that make the conflict even worse: blaming others, blaming ourselves, and relentlessly trying to collaborate [on resolution] even when others refuse to cooperate. We engage in these habits with the best of intentions, but when we use them habitually, regardless of the situation we find ourselves in, they become warped and unhelpful.”

Warren Buffett notes that the worst habits “are too light to notice until they are too heavy to break.”

This is another of Goldman-Wetzler’s insights that caught my eye: achieving conflict freedom  is far more important than conflict resolution. Why? “Conflict resolution says that conflicts can be resolved by meeting your own and others’ interests in ways that allow all parties to [begin italics] win [end italics]. But some attempts to resolve conflict have failed so many times, trying to ‘solve’ them becomes futile. Conflict freedom helps us stop trying to [begin italics] resolve [end italics] something that has shown itself to be unresolvable.

“Instead, it shoes us how to methodically free ourselves from the mindsets, emotions, and behaviors that have gotten us stuck. It helps us achieve optimal outcomes, which take into account the reality of the constraints we face.as well as our imagined best-case scenario. Optimal Outcomes are often different from what we [begin italics] thought [end italics] we wanted, but more satisfying than we ever imagined possible.””

These are among the passages of greatest interest and value to me, also listed to suggest the scope of Goldman-Wetzler’s coverage:

o The Optimal Outcomes Method (Pages 1-14)
o Conflict Habits (25-31)
o Notice Conflict Habits (32-34)
o Going from Simple to Complex (48-51)
o Emotion Traps (67-70)

o How Values Go Undiscovered (89-90)
o Tensions Within Ourselves and What to Do About Them  (92-98)
o Your Turn [to [take four key initiatives]  (104-111)
o Imagine Your Ideal Future (128-131)
o What Is a Pattern-Breaking Path? (138-142)

o Design the Steps Along Your Pattern-Breaking Path (144-148)
o What Could Go Wrong? (154-157)
o Prevent [unintended events from happening] and Prepare [foif/when they do] (159-162)
o Sources of Hesitation (169-173)
o Identify Your Optimal Outcome  (180-183

I commend Goldman-Wetzler on her creative use of reader-friendly devices, notably the “Summary” and “Get Started” sections at the conclusion of the Introduction and all nine chapters. She also includes two appendices: “Values Inventory” of key terms and “How to Apply the Practices to Teams and Organizations.”

As I worked my way through this book, I was again reminded of a few of the lyrics of “The Gambler,” a song composed by Don Schlitz and made popular by Kenny Rogers:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run.”

I agree with Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler that disagreements need not become arguments but that some conflicts cannot be resolved despite a best effort. The term “optimal outcome”  seldom describes total success. Sometimes it refers to “the best or the most that is possible, given the circumstances.”

You may not always be able to avoid conflict but at least you can be prepared to make a best effort. How? Read and then re-read this book. If and when, after a best effort, you do have an unresolved conflict, keep in mind this tribal wisdom from the Lakota: “Don’t feed hay to a dead horse.”