Pirates have kidnapped six crew members off a ship operating in the Gulf of Guinea, near the west coast of Africa. The corporate owner of the vessel and employer of the victims has called me in from England to help negotiate their release. My first step is to calm everyone down. We can’t navigate this situation from a place of agitation and high stress. My second is to choose someone from the corporate crisis team whom I trust to interact with the bad guys—a person who can communicate in the right language and dialect, who seems emotionally stable and resilient, and who, most important, will be able to listen to and connect with the people holding his colleagues. I quickly decide on John.

Over several weeks he and I sit side-by-side in a corporate office, 16 hours a day, with a mobile phone in front of us on the table. Of course, we take breaks to sleep and eat, especially when we’re not expecting a call. But our focus is on that phone. And when the kidnappers do reach out, or we’re told to make contact, we turn our attention fully to it.

They initially demand $5 million in ransom. I know from experience and training that if we agree to pay it immediately, they’ll ask for more; or they’ll take it and then hit another of the company’s ships next week. So with my coaching, John begins communicating with the kidnappers.

“That is a lot of money, which we don’t have. We need time to see how much we can raise. Let’s speak again in two days.”

Later, “You seem upset that we can’t move faster, but I assure you we are trying our best. Please look after the hostages.”

Later, “OK, let me make sure I’m understanding you. If we deliver the cash as agreed, you promise to release and return the hostages unharmed? And no further demands or delays?”

Our aim is not just to stall for time but also to build rapport and trust with the other side. This is critical to success in high-stakes situations. With open-minded, curious, and nonjudgmental conversation, John can ascertain what the kidnappers’ real needs are, beyond their surface-level demands, in order to end this crisis. Those needs include respect and a sense of control along with reassurance that they won’t be ambushed, arrested, or killed during the handover of the ransom.

Eventually, because he has kept his own ego in check, refrained from hostility, and demonstrated empathy and deep listening, John earns their confidence, and with it the right to influence them and seek cooperation. So they believe him when he says the company can pay only $300,000 and not a dollar more. The deal is struck, the hostages are safely returned, and no repeat attacks occur.

Over a decades-long career as a kidnapping and extortion negotiator, I handled many similarly sensitive cases all over the world. If I wasn’t helping secure the release of hostages in Africa, Latin America, or the Middle East, I was confronting extortionist cyberattackers in the United States, Europe, or Asia. Through my experiences, observations, and conversations with other experts in the field, I’ve developed a deep understanding of what works and what doesn’t in high-stakes negotiations. More recently, as an adviser to executives and corporations, I’ve learned that the same rules can be applied to yield better outcomes in everyday business negotiations—whether you’re asking for a higher salary, lobbying for additional team resources, or hammering out the details of a contract with a client or a supplier.

No matter the situation, negotiators must remember one golden rule: It’s not about you. The only way to move someone else in your direction and find a solution on which you can agree is to listen deeply and empathetically, ensuring that the other person feels seen, heard, and understood. That is particularly powerful when the two sides are in disagreement. It allows you to build trust, manage expectations, and find ways to meet the other party’s key needs. It’s what I call level-five listening, and it is fundamental to effective negotiation.