The concept is so simple and yet so difficult, it seems, for most people to embrace: We have two eyes and two ears but only one mouth so we should, therefore, spend 80% of our time listening and observing, and only 20% talking.

In Agile Change Management: A Practical Framework for Successful Change Planning and Implementation, Melanie Franklin stresses how important it is to listen to one’s associates, “allowing them to describe and share their ideas or articulate the problems and challenges that they need to resolve.” She recommends using active listening “which is a technique where the listener feeds back what they have heard from the speaker, confirming their understanding and allowing the speaker to gain insight into what they have said by having it played back to them. The steps in the active listening technique are:

1. Building rapport: Establishing and then maintaining eye contact, preferably in a location without distractions, one in which you can most easily give your full attention to the speaker.

2. Mirroring the information back to the speaker: “If I understand you correctly” frames a summary of what the speaker thinks is most important, relevant, urgent, etc.

3. Interpreting what you have heard: Suggesting what you think the speaker’s words reveal about the speaker’s emotions or point of view.

4. Encouraging the speaker to draw a conclusion: “Given what you have shared” or “Based on what you have shared with me], what do you suggest be done?” Offer the speaker the opportunity to summarize key points and/or suggest a course of action.

I presume to add two points. First, keep in mind that, during face-to-face interaction with another person, about 80% of impact is determined by body language and tone of voice; no more than 20% and often less is determined by what is said. Also, keep in mind that understanding what someone has told you, and reassuring that person that you really do understand does not necessarily mean that you agree with everything expressed.

Rapport is based on mutual respect and trust but only if those involved feel confident that, when sharing their thoughts and feelings with another person, that person “gets it.” People not only want to be heard; they want to be understood.