When HBR asked our readers about their experiences with incivility at work, we got dozens of detailed responses from both employees and managers and noticed a disconnect. While bosses said they work hard to protect their teams, the workers themselves reported not getting enough support. Sure, some team leaders handle incidents in the short term, expelling the restaurant diner, ignoring the rules stickler, and calming the patient’s family. But they don’t pay as much attention to the long-term toll these interactions take on employees’ job performance and mental health. Many employees also noted that they didn’t feel they could talk about uncivil customers, patients, or clients with their managers; others said their senior leaders seemed uncaring.

Consider just a few of the comments we received:

“It makes you feel disrespected and sometimes fearful.”

“I can’t relax anymore, and I immediately feel all my muscles become hard, like my body is preparing to fight. I try to come back to normal by controlling my breath.”

“It stresses you out. I hate my job, but I can’t afford to quit.”

“My manager is not capable of solving such a problem. I’m left all on my own, drown[ing] in anxiety.”

“Managers usually agree with patients because they don’t want any drama to become bigger.”

“The corporate leadership doesn’t give a crap about how anyone is treated, so they are likely to tell us just to suck it up and get the revenue.”

However, the managers who responded to our survey seemed to have a better understanding of what their frontline workers are dealing with — in part because they have also been on the receiving end of incivility. Managers have crafted specific solutions to defuse and destress that other team leaders can learn from and implement. First, when witnessing a confrontation, managers back up their employees. Second, they encourage open communication so people feel comfortable reporting problems. Finally, they have procedures for responding to incidents. We’re highlighting some of the strategies that managers shared with us (the comments have been lightly edited), although we should note that nearly all survey respondents — workers and managers — requested anonymity, revealing just how difficult it is to talk candidly about bad behavior on the part of the people your organization serves.

On Standing Up for Staff

“I will speak to a poorly behaving client privately so that I don’t create an embarrassing situation but clearly draw the boundary for acceptable and unacceptable behavior.”

“I try to defuse the angry person quickly and get them out of the store. If they are sexist, racist, etc., I advise them of our policy against this behavior and ask them to leave. Sometimes you have to threaten to call the police, but that’s very rare.”

“I back the frontline workers 100%. I explain to the person that their actions have created the consequences. They often try to blame it on us or staff. I never allow that.”

“We exercise a zero-tolerance policy at work, and I always support my team.”

“I typically step in and try to mediate. I let my staff know they are not to be mistreated and that they can ask anyone to leave the premises.”

On Maintaining Open Communication

“They bring problems with customers to my attention. Sometimes we learn that we need to change a policy or pivot from these interactions.”

“I start by calming the employee down. After that, I find out what the problem was.”

“I have an open-door policy. I provide my team with time to reflect and consider different ways of handling difficult situations. Depending on the situation, counseling and staff care services are available. Patient safety is paramount; however, the personal and psychological safety of staff is essential.”

“Those who are in lower positions feel like they can’t speak up [or they will be] judged for being too sensitive or causing hassle. I say, ‘If you notice something, say something.’”

“I tell my staff to always come forward. Always tell us. Never allow others to pressure you and [make you] feel unsafe. Call out bad behavior.”