Wright is seldom wrong: Part 2

Here is another selection of insights (and outsights) from a very observant man, Steven Wright.

o I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

o Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

o I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

o “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

o “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

o I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

o A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

o You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

o I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing “Happy Birthday.”

o I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

o What’s another word for “thesaurus”?

o What a nice night for an evening.

o If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

o I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

o It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

o Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

o If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

o Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… How to Build a Boat.

o I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

o I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

o I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

o If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

o I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”

o I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

o I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

o I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

o If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

o I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

o I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

o I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

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To learn more about Steven Wright, please click here.

Click here to check out his videos.

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