Mutilated Figures of Speech

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According to Kristin Richardson, these analogies were produced by high school students in “creative writing” classes:

o He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

o The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

o McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

o From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

o Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

o Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

o Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

o Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

o He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

o The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease

o Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.

o Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

o The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

o They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

o John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

o The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

o His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

o The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

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